a few days back, i was saying how i have given in to procrastination again. i felt like i am somebody without any aspirations at all, just floating along with the flow. i'll go wherever it will bring me to… but i promise, i had things planned out. it's just that not everything will go through accordingly and what i thought i'd be doing in a few years' time after graduating from university suddenly didn't seem like what i'd do.

this is my problem.

i always try to be like others. i keep forcing myself to fit into the mould that, very obviously, doesn't fit me. in my eagerness to please others so that they'd criticize me less, in my want to give my parents a peace of mind, in my selfishness to be over and done with everything, i set as the frame of my future what the norm of the society would have had as theirs.

was i happy?

no.

did i know it?

of course i did.

so why did i go ahead with it?

because i was eager to please others, because i wanted to let my parents worry less about me, because i was selfish and didn't want to make decisions.

in taking what was the easy route out, i had steered myself down a difficult road.

do you regret it?

no. and never will.

since the day my sister started school and began on her assignments, i knew that the weird sour feeling that wrung my heart meant only this: i wish i had gone ahead and studied film instead. and today, there are times when things happen and i knew that i would fare better as an english literature student, or maybe even as a psychology major.

but no, journalism is still one of my top choices and im happy that i made this choice. it's just that… i cant deny that i want to be in my sissy's place and have fun learning how to film and produce one. i love to write but i think i love bringing to life what i have written even more.

these thoughts plagued my mind for a few weeks but no, not a single thought of regret ever crossed my mind. i just don't think that i will be the person the school is teaching to be and the whole new circle they are preparing us for isn't really a circle i'd like to step into.

but i'll figure it out, like i always did. nothing is too difficult for me, because i know i can do anything that i want to. :) second chances are rare and should always be cherished, but i've always been blessed with a third, a forth, a fifth and many more chances… it may not happen this time but whatever comes along, i'll make the most of it. i know i can, because i've done it before~ :D

so hmm. on tuesday, i skipped a class. what i never had the guts for, i finally did. it could have been because i fell asleep late and wanted more sleep, or it could be because i don't like the module's lecturer and so am trying to avoid her, or it could be because i woke up feeling like it'd be a good day to be a little rebellious- whatever it was, i am not denying the dark feeling that loomed in my heart. from the moment i opened my eyes to the moments i tried to snuggle myself back to sleep, i felt it. strong, and real.

of course i told mummy that i was going to skip class. she told me not to, but i insisted that i wasn't learning anything. (which, later, turned out to be a little true.) i wasn't going to miss much if i missed just this one lesson. but yeah, the usuals and stuff… i felt hecka guilty after that. lol.

i don't know~ maybe this is the monthly pms, you know. which, by the way, please end and let my monthly friend come now. gahhh. at least that dark feeling has gone. and it better not come back because i don't like it. not a single bit, not at all. just go and never turn back. i'd really appreciate it if you do.

hmm. i do have the tendency to fall victim to uncertainty every now and then, you know. i know, because i've been through this pattern many times now. it just comes differently each time and i realize it only after it goes away. it's an INFP thing too. hmm. i don't know.

all i know is, whatever you want, go for it.

ps/ something happier: JAY IS COMING TO SINGAPORE AGAIN IN JULY! i told you, jay always gives me the best birthday presents. he always does. :D and thank goodness he is coming after my birthday LOL. otherwise i'd be crying as i attend to the guests, haha. XD and his HYPE NATION trailer is out! go check it out! :D

only because he makes everything feel much better. =)