Actually, I know. I know that I am not good at my studies, at least not anymore. Or maybe I have just given up on studying and the likes, because I will always feel like how I learn and reciprocate the teachers' teachings is not what is expected of me and the rest of us. I will always feel like I need to be put into a special school for people who learn the way I do. I will always feel like I belong to a whole different group of students.

Or maybe because I no longer have around me teachers who believe in me and will never give up on me. I had two in primary school and they are the reason why I found my way to writing, another in secondary school who probably believed I had something and gave me countless of opportunities to test my limits, and another one who was the only reason why I didn't fail mathematics.

I am sorry that I am not good at studying and I am sorry that the results reflect all of it. But believe me when I say that I really tried my best, though there is only so much I can do and so far I can go when it is only me against this world. I am not an intellectual person and I can't think critically- or maybe I can but it is not how you want it- and I am so very sorry for that. Believe me again when I say that I do not feel good whenever I realize just how lousy I am; I probably will never feel good about myself in this aspect.

I see classmates answering questions that never once crossed my mind- or maybe they did but they came to me differently- and believe me one last time when I say that I am utterly envious. So very envious. How is it that we are living in the same world but I don't see what they see? Do they see what I see? Will I be able to see what they see, understand what they understand and know what they know? Will I ever be able to be as good as they are?

See, I know. I know.

I do know that I am not good at studying- and nobody knows just how disappointed that makes me.