i dont know.

maybe it's the rush of the night's energy that i havent been feeling in a while, or the lure of a nearing full moon.

all i know is that maybe i dont belong here at all. no, not in that sense. time. era. maybe i dont truly belong to this century, maybe i fit in better where aged rules are, well, rules. all i know is that no matter how hard i try, i can never fit in.

i know. i am but a 22-year-old, still struggling to find her footing in this place we call the world. i am silly and i make stupid decisions all the time, decisions that until now i'd still insist were merely unwise rather than stupid, decisions i made on the spur of the moment because i was doing something not many people dared to do. i always preferred following the voices i hear from inside me, from inside the winds that whip around me- i always listened to my heart and later, the reprimanding words of friends.

i never wanted to stand out this way. i never asked to be the only one in the whole family who sucked at mathematics, who found delight only in words and others that relatives deemed as non-profitting. i never asked to be different from cousins who from their very first steps knew where they were headed to.

i know, too, just how selfish i am. i want to hold onto my dreams, my selfish, selfish dreams while not letting go, either, of my family's expectations of me. i want everything- i freaken want everything.

and this is exactly what is killing me. on most occasions i'd be fine, content and genuinely happy, because i knew that i already have what i needed.

i have my family, my loving parents who loved both my sister and i so fiercely, so equally. i have my sister, and as much as she furiates me sometimes, i want to protect her, guide her, teach her, encourage her. i have my lovely but crazy friends and although it frustrates me often that they dont seem to get the point of what i was trying hard to get across, i love them.

and because i am greedy, i want to be everything that i can to them. whatever they want, whoever they need.

this is also slowly tearing me apart from inside.

and because i've had a journey, one of life's precious lessons, i dont crumble as easily anymore. or rather, i dont seem to fall anymore. i am now too strong to be fazed by any of these at all, and i've seen too much in that darkness to know better than to let myself crawl back there.

this strength wouldnt let me give in to the weaknesses, and because always holding up can drain one, i am slowly getting tired.

i have stretched myself too thin over everything, but what can i do? it's either this, or i make a choice. i will not forfeit my own freedom to live- neither will i forgo my own promises to my family.

but what can i do?

it hurts when friends tell me that i've made the wrong decision with my education. it hurts a lot, more than hitting my pride, although im not sure if i have any left at all, having bowed down enough to let others step all over my decisions. it hurts even more when they look at me with that disapproving look, because all i've ever felt then is shame. ashamed not because of the steps i've taken, but because people i loved so dearly as friends were that close to thinking of me as incompetent. it hurts to know... that somehow, i may not be good enough for them.

do they even know what i think, how i feel? no. it pains me to have to admit this but more often than not, my thoughts and feelings have been disregarded, discarded. they dont know.

the same way they dont know how i sometimes secretly envy them for having such great minds. minds that could actually think logically, reasonably. that they could stand up for themselves and others because they'd never let emotions cloud their judgement.

unlike me.

it hurts, too, when my parents are nothing but the supportive people they are. they've never truly understood my intentions, but they've never once questioned nor doubted my purpose. it hurts, all the same, when my sissy looks to me as her role model, because i know i am not the saint i've always tried to be in front of her. in return for their utmost support, i'm afraid, i'll have to repay them with disappointment.

do they know how i feel, what i think? no, they dont- they dont have to and i see no need for it. it'd only make them worry about me and i hate adding onto whatever my parents already have on their shoulders. i should be making them laugh- which i take great pride in, for knowing that i was the reason my parents were laughing, heartily or bashfully- not make them crinkle that little piece of flesh between their brows. they dont need to worry about me, because i dont want them to.

i dont know, because i am but a 22-year-old still fighting for that glimmer of hope, that i can one day juggle everything and while i can be someone everybody wants me to be, i am still me.

i will not be embarrassed to say this, because this is me. me who will cry in the movies and while reading a book. me who will always prefer $1 ice cream from the roadside stalls. me who likes the smell of the wet market because it is the smell of home, childhood and everything that i've known as true since i was a child. me who will bite her tongue despite already brewed a comeback. me who will never be afraid to be silly in public. me who loves her parents and sister just as dearly as she loves her sorely-missed grandfather. me who would rather quietly work than outright complain. me who knows one of life's greatest pleasures as watching my mother cook.

but im slowly losing this person, bit by bit, and while she is still here, somewhere inside of me, i am scared that she may one day just decide to go away and never return.

things would probably be easier if i have had things forced onto me; definite rules that i'd have to bow down to, no matter what. that head will come before heart, that money is everything. if i was in another time, another era, i wouldn't have had a choice. not at all- unless i fought really, really hard. but looking at how weak i am at fighting now, i probably was not a stronger one before. probably will never be.

but now i have the freedom to make the choice- and this is my poison, too.

i cant choose.

i refuse to- and you cannot force me to.

because no matter how much it hurts, because i've risen above it, i will not. crumble. i never will. it is not pride that keeps me standing straight; oh, no, pride will bend you in unimaginable angles while making you think that you are still standing straight.

it is faith and love- so much love from people who truly accept me for who i am, what i am, even if they may never understand how i look at the world- that keeps me upright. and upright i will remain.

so i will not be forced or threatened into having to choose. it is all or nothing- it has been, it is, and it always will be this way. and i will never have nothing, for i'll always have everything that i need right here, in my heart.

in the end, i am back to square one.

i dont know.

but i can always try.

---

im just going through one of those moments when everything seems to crash down on me. just letting everything out, just so the jumble in my mind can clear up a little. when it clears, i can think properly again, feel my way around confidently again.

no. i will not change myself just to fit in with today. i refuse to. until the very end, i want to stay true to the person my parents have given life to.

when the first morning lights hit, while i cannot assure that i will be completely okay, i know that i will at least already be on my way to making things work. one way or another, i will make it all work out.

because i've always been this way. i'd let myself be broken... then i'd stare at those broken pieces before picking them up again. i'd slowly put myself back together, during which i'll always get an answer or two, or a revelation that will get me somewhere.

in order to rise, one will need to fall. because when you hit rock bottom, the only way to go next is up.

chin up, have faith. even if not in yourself, as least have faith in the faith that people have in you. there is a reason why they believe in you.

:)

everything will be okay. it always will be, because no matter how long a downpour may be, it will stop.