are you sinking, or are you rising to the surface?

i just finished "have a little faith" by mitch albom and all i have to say is, i love this book as much as i love "five people you meet in heaven". that was the first book by him i ever read and if im not wrong, i read it before ahgong passed away. i was greatly shaken then, by what i read and learnt, and i think i should give it a second read soon. i've been putting it off long enough. why? because im scared. haha.

faith.

i woke up to news i do not like hearing. i never liked hearing it and i never will. i don't think it is anything anybody else would like hearing first thing in the morning. scratch that- i know that nobody would ever like that.

i was stunned into no reaction, feeling my world tip a little off the balance again. i should have known that the hurricane has yet to settle; it was only the beginning. i should have known, too, that ever since ahgong's return to his other home, every now and then, my world would be thrown around like it was but a game.

but faith helps keep me calm; i know that everything will eventually settle back in place again, even dust.

i do not think that i've yet to recover from the most recent loss, so reading this book was quite the challenge. in between chapters i had to take a break, because my mind was still reeling from the spin of memories. sometimes i think im okay, and then sometimes i think im not. all i know is that despite it all- accepting, letting go, moving on and whatnot- until today, all i want is the lost chance to be by ahgong during his very last moments. it still hits me as hard as it did the first time… and i still miss him so much.

this book… stirred up quite a mess inside of me. the dust have yet to settle, so im still in a stage of incoherent thoughts… yeah. but it has left a huge mark on me, one i wouldn't let be erased, no matter what.

have a little faith. :)

at the end of the day, i finally understand, ahgong was the one who led me back to faith.

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9.13pm:

forget it. im not doing anything right. im never doing anything right.

what the hell is wrong with me?