this has been on my mind for a while now.

i am scared.









this morning, while leaving for work, i saw an elderly couple i never saw before. they reminded me of another elderly couple i always saw…

from when i was little, there was this elderly couple who always took evening strolls together. from holding hands and walking side by side, to the harabeoji holding tightly onto the halmoni (haha, felt more "right" addressing them this way) as he slowed his steps for her, to now… him pushing around the wheelchair she is rested on.

from the first time i noticed they were never once apart, i prayed from the bottom of my heart that they will always, always be together.

from the sparkling eyes that brightened up a face of wrinkles, to eyes that reflected exhaustion but no regrets, to eyes that spelt fear of losing… please, always let them be together.

i don't know them personally, but because they have more or less become a part of my life, a part of who i am, or maybe because of the person that i am, it always feels like i know them personally. loss is never a good thing to experience… and it seems like they only have each other now; all the more you cant have them lose one another. please.

and then at work, i encountered another elderly couple. not as old, but still old. they look so happy together! and it honestly brought a wave of warmth over me. it's a warmth i like, a warmth i always get whenever i see my parents behaving like young teenagers in love. it is a happy warmth, not the kind of devastating warmth that hits me cold in the face when i saw my aunt crying for my uncle.

they are so lucky to have been able to love… and to continue loving until today.

and that made me remember that i am scared.

a fear that i've been pushing to the back of my mind for a long time, a fact that i've been denying for too long.

honestly, dongbang and jay aside because they are not people i know personally (and in a way, not really real people in my life, lol), my heart… it has been dead for quite a while now. o_o

please do not look at me like im a love-deprived or desperate girl, because it is nothing like that. im just scared- worried, even- that once i allow myself to settle in the dust of this stillness, i will never want to rise out of it. it's not like i'll die without a boyfriend, lol. in fact, im perfectly fine by myself! i already hardly have time for everything i want to do and for the people i want to spend time with... i dont think i need another person to be responsible. just yet. lol.

you know, i made a promise to myself at the end of 2007 that i will let go of everything. memories, feelings- and him. and then at the end of 2008, 2009, 2010, i made the same promise alongside other promises. at the end of 2011, i will be making the same promise again.

this time, for real, for good.

maybe because it was the first time i've ever felt so strongly for somebody (besides my family, of course, lol), or maybe because it IS a young girl's simple happiness… either way, it has been memorable. very, very memorable. and i know that he has found someone who loves him as much as he loves her…!

i am happy for him because, well, i once loved him enough to want to make him happy. i am happy for her too, because i know that she has given her heart to the correct person. i am happy for them both, because they have found one another.

and yet i cannot find it in myself to be happy for myself.

love? honestly, i cannot confidently say that it was love. close to it- maybe, but i can never be sure. i have never been in love enough to know what it feels like exactly to be in love, or to love. deep feelings? i cant be sure of it either.

it's deep enough, though, for me to wish i had done things differently whenever i think back on those simple times. deep enough for me to want to wallow in regret whenever i remember him, deep enough for me to cry myself to sleep, deep enough for me to try to convince myself that i can definitely feel like this for someone again, someday.

that's why im scared.

if i don't let go of these, or don't move on, i will never be able to feel all of these again. and i still want to be able to feel. the butterflies, the heart skipping beats and racing against my chest, the stuttering- the simple happiness of liking someone.

i know i don't have the rights to say all these… im not pretty, im not stick-thin (and i refuse to be, actually), im not rich, im not exceptionally talented in anything at all. so i cant (and i don't, actually) complain about guys not being anywhere on par with erm, well, dongbang or jay. LOL. kidding la lol. but i have that little bit of rights to say that none of the guys i know now can even come close to my father, right?

i know what kind of person my father is and i know he is a good man. these are not words i say, but words that come out from others' mouths. my father is a good man with a good heart, and we all know that not all good people have smooth-sailing journeys. and my father is a man who has pulled through all of these hard times and will continue to face these difficulties no matter how tiring they may be. im not gonna pimp my father out anymore so im just gonna stop here. lol.

a man with good life and family morals, who knows how to prioritize things correctly (family should always come first), who understands that nothing is ever only completely about the money (the only thing my parents taught me about money is that never be stingy with money spent on food, but even so, soup spoon is my kind of delicacy luxury).

a man who is good to his family and friends, who can laugh at himself and his own mistakes (because that's what i do lol), who can take things easy and yet seriously. and honestly…? a man who knows how to and will respect a woman. sex isn't everything, you know, and you don't guilt trip a person you claim to love into sleeping with you. of course, it is not just men who do it. women too. respect the men, and yourself. please.

i look at the people around me, couples and singles alike, and i wonder if i am a cavewoman. im not the only cavewoman, i know, but… am i too traditional? too conservative? but what? you want me to settle for someone who will only break my heart, hurt me and the people around me? no, never!

jung yunho is one of my ideals not because of his looks, or his height, or his dances, or his fame. it is because he once said this on a program, "to my future wife, i'll see you at our child's sports meet!" that he also once said that he wants to do volunteer work with his family next time.

it is something i wanna do with my children and husband next time too la, because these activities can teach my children things i don't think im capable enough of teaching them. lol.

kim jaejoong, because a person who has experienced extreme sadness knows how to appreciate and cherish the small things in life. because a person who has experienced the darkest moments in life will never take anything for granted. children learn by watching.

park jaebeom, because it takes a lot for someone to look forward to each day with such positivity despite having been denied by so many people before. because it takes a good and unbelievably forgiving heart to not pursue anything or hold grudges. and yes, children learn by watching.

im just using them as examples because they are the only people i know who are like that. lol. and because they are the closest to the type of person i know my father is…? lol. i have to stop pimping my father HAHAHA.

i know everything is all over the place but this is what im trying to say. LOL.

and yes, i know too… that such men are extinct.

bummer.

LOL.

oh well. cheers and have a good night! :) i'll try to… lol. heart's still reeling from the burning touch of memories. haha. :)