i've also learnt that we must learn to acknowledge pain.

ignoring it does you no good, pretending that it doesn't exist does you some damage, and running away from it will only let it slowly kill you from inside.

i've said this a long time ago. sometimes, it is not that we're numb. sometimes, it simply means that the pain has gotten so great, you can hardly feel anything else anymore. and when it begins to subside, just that little bit, you'll realize that you were never numb.

nobody can be numb, as long as they can still feel. and nobody can ever stop feeling- they just pretend that they cannot anymore. okay, i'll give you the benefit of doubt. sometimes, you just turn to refusing to feel.

i wont say i understand, because i know how it feels like to feel this unreachable thing inside that keeps gnawing at you. it's just that each of this thing has different motives for eating away at us. besides that, they all feel the same. almost the same, at least, almost the same. either way, they hurt and there is nothing you can do about it until it decides to go away.

i've let the pain form a barricade around me, isolating myself from the world. i was there and yet i was never really there. but once i begin to understand that pain isn't necessarily that bad, i began to embrace it. acknowledge it, accept it. i learnt to live with it and slowly, i learnt how to push through it.

i believe that knowing the reason behind the pain's existence does play a huge role. for my part, i guess it all stemmed from guilt. guilt. guilt. and more guilt. to rid myself of the pain meant erasing all traces of guilt, and to do that i had to forgive myself. forgiving myself hurt too, because i simply couldnt see why i had to be forgiven. could i even be forgiven? should i even?

but i did, anyway. bit by bit, step by step. because, like i've said before (in an entry ancient years ago), trying to take a whole leap across an entire ocean will only lead to your own death. lol. but as we all know, i never really practice what i preach~ lol. i think i drowned a couple of times in several oceans, LOL!

at least i did make it. took me a hella long time but eventually, i made it. the searing pain when you cross the boundaries you never thought you could cross is only temporary. just let it be and in due time, it will go. even if you don't trust me, trust yourself. :)

once you have pushed through, all the tears, the blood and the sweat… everything will be worth it. really! i am a living example! haha. bragging again. LOL. but oh well.

so the thing is... don't be afraid of pain. yes, it is nothing good, but it can serve as a good reminder to us. a painful reminder, that is, but a good one, nonetheless. and well, no matter how good a pretender you are, like it said above, you stop when you are tired. there will come a day when pretending that it doesnt hurt tires you out. that's when you will collapse, i guess. i think i did. i think. lol.

haha. all is well and all is good, now! :Dv cheers, everybody, cheers. *hugs*