Nah, I think I'm just resigning to the warm weather… been feeling lethargic lately. Okay, not exactly lethargic either. Now that I'm actually thinking about it, I realize I don't really know why. It could be because I just didn't feel like organizing my thoughts just yet, or I needed more time to gather and look through them carefully. Or I could really just be feeling the weather. Or maybe I'm just plain lazy. LOL.
But yeah, I've returned from Taiwan and I've started my last semester of school too. It wouldn't have been that much of a bummer to have to return to school just days after returning from ten full days of only playing and no worrying if the lecturer of my last module (…ever!) was that lecturer. In fact, it wasn't even much of a big deal. I recover quickly, even faster if the trip was mean to rejuvenate me. So yes, I've ended up dreading school even more than ever. No, I've never dreaded school- it's the lecturer, just the lecturer. I wish I was in kindergarten again because at least early childhood educators take into consideration the different learning styles of children. Not that mine did, but I enjoyed kindergarten, lol.
And nothing against the module, but I just wanted to feel #likeaboss by having the textbook of the module that the lecturer is teaching as my mousepad. LOL. I got a new white desk and the surface is too smooth for my mouse, that's why. I just can't believe that after years of not using one, I have to get a mousepad again. o_o Or maybe not, because I'm "laminating" the surface of my new desk. Which is coincidentally in the MICKE series, and got me giggling. Er, because Micky and Ellialyn…? LOLOLLL!
Anyway! The Taiwan trip, besides being the dream trip that took 6 years to materialize (and we didn't even go together; only 3 of us did), was a good break and a very much needed one at that, too. I needed a break so much, I nearly went crazy waiting for 30 April 2012 to arrive. Although I also didn't quite want it to come so soon, because Inang, Amang and Aunty Rose were to return to Philippines on the 28th. And to add on to the hurricane of emotions, Jay was having his promotional tour here during that period too. Talk about mood swings, lol. I think I handled it pretty okay, though, but I was really worn out from everything.
And so I have digressed again.
Okay, back. Sooooo, I think that the trip has definitely done me good. Although there were hiccups along the way, my monthly red tide was nice enough to hold off for two days before hitting me full force. LOL, that's besides the point- but I really appreciate that my body managed to push it back two days. What, I didn't want it to affect my mood when it comes to food! I don't take cold stuff when it's the time of the month, you know? In fact, besides yogurt, I hardly have cold stuff. But I wanted to enjoy the food! Although I couldn't eat most. Lol. Bummer.
OKAY, BACK TO MY POINT!
I think the trip has somewhat opened my mind? I mean, I don't think I was a narrow-minded person before it but it definitely urged me to open up my mind even more. I don't know how to explain this realization… and the feeling that comes along with it. It's something like the moment of rebirth in '09 and yet it's really nothing like it. It has nothing to do with finding and feeling the peace within, more like finally seeing and understanding the truth for what it truly is.
Truth be told, I was feeling pretty bleh through the first few days of the trip. Nothing really hit me until the second last day, or the last day, although those were the days I had completely let my exhaustion speak and act for me. I thought that the trip was doing nothing for me, but I was wrong. I had expected enlightenment to come creeping during the late nights, but no, it came as a huge blow (good kind of blow and nothing pervertic), all at once, one fine morning when I woke up to bathe. Yeah, that entry… lol. Okay, I forgot that sometimes things have to be fully experienced before one can come to a conclusion and I thought too highly of myself. Now I've truly understood that we humans are considered nothing when it comes to the universe. And yet the universe needs us. The world is huge and we are all so small…
The things I've seen and the things I've heard… The people I've met and the people I've interacted with…
Like I said before, I'm really glad that our differences (Nana, Morgan and I) burnt hard this time. Because we are all so different, it has helped me better appreciate them for who they are and of course, for who I am. It's like unearthing again the person that you are, from underneath the layers and layers of pretenses.
I get it now, dear Universe, and thank God for helping me understand. I believe that I really understand it now.
There is no point trying to be someone else when all it does it to make me very, very unhappy. All those crappy thoughts I've had- about being someone more capable and lose my personality in that, about living a life that doesn't really reflect my beliefs and values, about doing things just for the sake of wanting to fit in- they were, well, just crappy and absolutely nonsensical.
I was put here for a reason, for a purpose- none of which I know yet, which is why life is a journey. I've strayed for a while and now I'm back on track again. There must be a problem with me because I keep losing sight of myself, LOL. But I am not blaming myself or anybody for it; I can see why those thoughts happened. o_o I cannot ensure nor assure myself that such a thing will not happen again, but hopefully I can handle it better- IF it does happen again. Haha. In any case, I'll just be myself. :)
Yup, I'll just be myself. And you, should just be yourself. It's good to have aspirations, to have someone/something to look up to, to have ideals, but to have yourself upset and disappointed in yourself just because you cannot mirror the exact same thing is just… dangerous. It's not even bad- it's just pure danger. I'm talking about what's inside of you. I mean, an apple can look up to an orange but it should know that it can never be an orange even if it gets orange skin. And if it begins to have negative thoughts and outlooks because of it, then it's dangerous! I mean, if you cannot force happiness onto others, what makes you think that you can force it onto yourself?
Just remember (and a reminder to myself, too): whenever you begin to get unhappy with your life, sit down and ask yourself why. AND ALWAYS BE TRUTHFUL TO YOURSELF. There is no point in lying to yourself and er, why would you want to lie to yourself?! In my case, it's because I was forcing myself into something that wasn't made for me and vice versa. I admit it, some things still bother me now but in a completely non-harmful way now. Because I've changed my attitude about it, because I've finally poked the truth out of myself. Lol. But yeah, there is a reason why personality tests, karma tests and the such exist- because people want to find out and know more. Then all the more you should believe in yourself, believe in the purpose behind your existence here, because only then you can find your own truth. And when you've found your truth, you'll automatically take your first step and the rest will follow.
Everybody is different and we were born for different reasons, different purposes. Stick close to yours and panic not during the times you may separate. That's the lesson we have to learn and part of the journey… part of growth, part of you.
:)
Okay, I need to crawl into bed now because I'm having a horrible flu and it's making me all woozy and fuzzy and I have school tomorrow/later and I need to do more revision before the dreaded class.
/thuds
