Maybe I am just afraid of what will happen when I admit that I've let go. Maybe it's just that I have gotten used to those... those feelings. Maybe I am just scared of letting go of what is already a part of me.

I've just gotten used to the idea of him belonging to only the past, that he has someone he loves and who loves him just as much, that he really was but a precious shard of a teenager's innocence.

He is a strong reminder of what my heart was capable of... of what it can no longer dare to do.

I'm still a long way from opening up again. Really, my heart feels like it's dead. Not cold, but dead, and simply doing its job of pumping blood and keeping me alive. That really is all. I'm more scared of what I've become, of what I will become, than of not finding him. I'm more scared of this void that feels like emptiness but is actually more than just mere emptiness, than of not being able to find anybody to fill the space beside me.

This is the truth. My truth. I see my friends in love and falling in love and instead of fearing that I can never find someone like they have, I fear that I will not be able to feel that way again.

I'm not scared of being left alone. I am scared of not knowing how to feel again.

Why am I so damaged?