I am not a failure.

But I am a coward.

For so many reasons that I still cannot seem to figure out. I know it's lurking somewhere out there, or in the darkness I know I still have inside me.

Every single time I see a dance video- heck, every single time I see someone dancing, no matter who it is, as much as I'd enjoy it in the beginning, I'll start to frown.

This body hasn't forgotten how to dance. Not even for a single day did I not miss dancing.

I still want to dance.

But I no longer dare to.

This is still an issue I have to sort out with myself. Sure, I've peeled myself clean of the past and I am happy, more confident than before in the person that I am. But old feelings stick with me for a long time, maybe they will even be my lifetime companion. This is my biggest problem- I never forget.

There was a time when I danced without a single care, when I was always the happiest when I was dancing. Then came a time- and I don't know when it began- when I began to fear dancing. No, not dance itself. There's no way dance would give me anything besides joy. But fear… I was scared. I had grown to be scared of people standing at the sidelines, watching intently, as if they couldn't wait to pounce on any mistakes I would make. Of course I know this isn't their intention, but it had somehow, somewhere, bore itself into me.

I liked dancing so much but I never dared to say that I love it. Who was I- who am I to say that I love to dance?

All that I ever wanted was to dance happily with friends who enjoyed dancing just as much as I do.

I never asked to be caught in the broil of what makes the world ugly. I never asked to be presented a ladder, to be made to learn that one has to crush others beneath my own feet. I never asked to be able to rise to the top and I never freaken asked to be a part of something that we all know very darn well is NOT a part of dance.

I don't know what destroyed me, what killed my joy. Was it myself, or was it the environment and the people in it?

I know I'm not strong enough… I know I can never survive in a dog-eat-dog world. I know that there are a lot of things we must do if we want survival. But I don't seek to survive. I seek to live. I want to live. I wanted to breathe with dance, become one with dance. I only wanted to be happy doing what even my parents can tell makes me happy.

And yet it has been ripped away from me… confidence and happiness.

I am a coward, because until the day I find my confidence again, I don't think I will ever dare to dance again.

I'm sorry, dear me, for being so incompetent.