i am happy and i can never stop thanking my lucky stars, because the happy i am right now is not just the happy i had before the datk period.. it is happiness that comes with an inner peace. yeap, while i am at peace with myself and everyone and everything else, i am still growing, still learning.
i am still, as i've realized over the past few months, a ball of contradictions. and like i've said, i think it is good that my anguish comes from my conflicted perspectives. i am learning as i iron out the issues, though most of the time i find myself understanding that certain things are just the way they are. this simple understanding gives me an indescribable calmness.
then i realized... i am not just happy. i am content as well.
but this doesnt mean that i cannot be sad, right? it is in my nature to like how being sad feels, to be so extremely attracted to sad things. and the closest sad thing i can find is within myself.
and as they say, it takes a person to have known sadness to be truly happy. i've already said tons of grandmother stories about this and i think all of my friends are sick of it, and even though it is a lesson i keep close to heart, i will try not to repeat myself too often. not everybody is willing to understand, so... as long as i know what is true for myself.
i think, in trying to always be happy (i am always happy, though, i just dont know how to word it properly lolll), i've been denying sadness. why, ellia? why are you trying to go against your very nature?
so i've decided that there is no longer denial of self or holding back from my own being. if i want to stay true to who i am.. then i gotta just be who i am.
:)
i am not ashamed of myself and i've gained an incredible amount of confidence over the past few years. although it was once trampled all over, even by myself. LOL. looking back at the girl i was in my young teens... haha. nobody would have expected that hehe-haha girl to become who she is today. but well, i have become who i am supposed to be, or at least i am on my way there. lol.
sometimes i do wonder if i am trying too hard to seem deep. lol. but you havent lived through what i did, never been brought up the way i was and didnt feel what i did. im not judging you for being who you are; i am asking for, at the very least, your respect to try not to judge me.
i dont believe in myself that much, actually. but i have utmost faith in the belief that my family and friends have in me. those who do, at least. lol. they are the ones who give me strength, who allow me to face each day with renewed senses. without them, i believe that i would be nothing.
and so, to my family and friends, although i am a little shy to say this, i have absolute faith in the person that you are too. dont ever, ever anybody talk you out of it
and never ever believe what others say of you.
touch your heart, the way you have touched mine, and believe.
cheers! :)
