exactly. im not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.

anything and everything that some people have said of me… no, it's not that i harbor any grudge against them because really, these people are my friends, lol. and you know how friends tend to point out certain traits, hehe. what i want to say is, although what others say may be true to a certain extent, im not entirely what they have made final that i am.

my world is just different from yours, that's all.

lol. i realize that i've been thinking quite a lot about the differences between myself and others. specifically, my friends. once again, it is not that i don't like it, or have anything against them! it's just that… i've reached a point in life- the special place that is only for me- where i am confident enough in myself to admit things. good and bad. and i have to say that although i may not list everything down in black and white, i do leave behind subtle hints and to that i also have to add that im not sure if there is anybody who cares enough to read between the lines. and curves. lol. maybe only i will know, but im content with that. hehh.

but yes, this thing about confidence… i don't think i have ever been this confident in myself before. lol. i know that i am still lacking in many, many areas and still am an inadequate person in many ways, but it is the knowledge of the person that i am- who i am, how i am, what i am, why i am everything that i am- that gives me this confidence.

so much so, i think i am now qualified enough to say that i do know myself. in fact, i believe that i have always known myself. these things do not happen overnight, though. it is the bits and pieces of everyday that has helped me to piece together everything.

i'd like to believe that people do not change. well, maybe some do, but i do believe that most of the time, it is just us growing into the person that we have always been meant to be. sometimes it happens early, sometimes a little later- maybe it doesn't even happen until your very last years. im just lucky enough to recognize that all these changes i've noticed in myself are actually signs of me growing into the person i know im meant to be.

it is the way we react to everything- to the people around us, to the situations that unfold, and sometimes even the way we react to these things- that will help us learn about the person that we are. im not sure about others but i know that every single time a thought crosses my mind or after doing anything, a part of me retreats into my silent corner to, what they say, reflect. and really, haha, i feel quite embarrassed saying that i reflect. lol. and i've been using the word "embarrassed" really often lately. lol.

but yes, i reflect… i think this is one of the reasons why i like to be alone. taking a bus or the train alone, just so that i can sit by myself, look outside and just let whatever thoughts flow before eventually finding the focal point. and this is why i prefer long bus rides that loop rounds and rounds over to buses that would get me home quickly. i appreciate the time i have with myself. there are also times, like now, when there are still a thousand things running through my head. actually, i think it happens all the time. lol. sometimes i get confused and forget what i am trying to express, because my entire being has already moved on to the next topic. LOL.

yes, it happens, haha. i like to compare my train of thoughts to the flickering of flame on a dying candle and the movement of air between blades. fans, you know, fan blades? lol. and erm, i just looked through what i've typed so far and woah, how did i wind up getting here? o_o as i explained before, this is what happens and it happens very, very often. too often. im not complaining though~

anyway! as i was saying… it really is the little things that happen around us and within us that will shed light on who we are, so moments i get to do all these are moments i hold really dearly to my heart. if i know my shortcomings, it means that i can work on them and try to be a better person, right? and so enters the contradiction: i wouldn't want to improve myself until i am no longer myself. but yes, while overcoming the weaknesses is out of the question, working on it is still feasible. i think. lol! referring to personality here, not habits! i wouldn't want to keep this procrastination forever by my side! o_o

and gah! yes! it is not that i don't like what people tell me about me; in fact, im not bothered at all. because i know who and what and how i really am, so it doesn't bother me. not at all. okay, maybe sometimes… but im confident enough to overcome that moment of doubt. lol. one thing about me is that if you tell me something often enough, i tend to see it as the truth. lol. and yes, i actually just revealed a weakness. lol. do not use it against me because right now, i am hardening my armor! haha!

OMG! OKAY! the point is, i like the contrast that my friends and i have. sparks, abrasion, friction- whatever you'd like to call it, i actually like it. that way, we have balance! like light is to darkness and night is to day… :Dv

haha, this is another thing about me: it is impossible for me to get straight to the point. lol!

cheerios, and have a good day! XD