hmm. a few days ago, i received the grading for my feature article. there may be many reasons why i didn't receive the grade i wished i did (and everybody else did), but obviously it was because i pushed it to the very last minute and put in less than enough effort.
59/100.
besides the days when i failed english, i've never scored this lowly for any writing work at all. this is not including the time when i at first reading misread the question of an essay and wrote off point- except i did know i was answering wrongly when i read the question a second time but still decided to write on because there wasn't much time left. lol.
if you know me well enough, you'd know how much i love to write. my style of writing is pretty clear, although i'd like to work on writing in other styles. i don't know where to put my way of writing under, though, because it's not creative enough to be called creative writing. psst, i secretly want to enroll in creative writing classes during the holidays. or whenever there is one. and oh! one thing for sure, i cant do any writing that is formal. it… kills me.
on normal days, grades don't affect me that much. it'd be a touch and go feeling, but then that night when i saw that ugly 59 looking back at me, it was like a mirror in me shattered.
this is the thing that got me- nearly- convinced that maybe, just maybe, i cannot write. at all.
T_T
i love to read i love to write i need to read i need to write write write write writeeeee!
huge blow in the stomach, i must say. i don't think i have ever felt this demoralized about my writing at all; i think this is the first time i've ever felt so down about something i was sometimes unnecessarily proud of. ever since i realized it, i've always repeated that i am a writer, not a speaker.
i don't talk that much and when i do, i trip over my own words. my emotions sometimes get the better of my tongue and i cant find the appropriate words fast enough. at least, not fast enough to match up with the speed of my feelings and the pictures running through my mind. writing provides me with the power that i don't have when it comes to speaking- i am empowered by words and my feelings always fall nicely into the lines that would eventually form words.
i cannot imagine a world where i cannot write or am not allowed to write. scratch that. it is not something that i will allow to happen. by hook or by crook, i will always find a way, a place, for me to write. it is one of the only ways people can get to understand me. in fact, i believe that reading what i write is one of the best ways people can attempt to understand what goes on in my mind.
im always struggling to keep pace with my thoughts, so i have always thought that twitter was a very novel invention. lol. i type faster than i write, although 140 characters really is not enough. i carry a small notebook with me so that i can write down the random things that come to mind and i feel is something that should be written down… i do that on twitter too, and on the application on my phone… so basically, my thoughts are all over the place. lol.
this aside.
fifty freaked nine.
:(
just passing by 9 marks aside, this being unmoderated aside, me not doing well aside… i just don't want to waste my father's hard-earned money by getting a grade like this.
buck up, ellia, no matter how much you don't want to forgo your own ways in pleasing others to survive.
yeah, that's what morgan said. this is the world that we live in. if we want to survive, we please the person who feeds us. we do whatever they want us to do and we do whatever makes them happy. this is sad but true and is happening in this world, right now, right here. but what is sadder is that people have actually resigned to this statement and let go of what they want to do. beliefs, morals, values, dreams- do they mean less than having to keep yourself afloat?
call me an idealist, because hell yeah i am, but i do believe that there is a way to strike that balance between what you want and what the world wants of you. of course i want to survive too, but i am just surviving when i do what others expect of me. i am not living if i do not live life the way i want- and it includes doing things and walking down roads that i want. call me an idealist, because like i said, hell yeah i am (proud and not ashamed of it- just not that openly because there is no need to flaunt this), i believe that i can do anything and everything i want and still have the world nod its head at me. my world, that is. ;)
and so now begins the struggle between writing the way my lecturer likes it and writing the way i love it… i guess the outcome is already clear. haha! XD
